2022 was the year that the boy I was completely obsessed over came back from a mission. I was elated to see him and I had completely allowed myself to play out these incredibly elaborate scenarios of him finally telling me how he felt about me. He was dreamy, loved the Lord, came from the most amazing family, and I totally wanted to be a part so, so bad. Has anyone else been there before? Finally this amazing guy comes your way and all you can think about is what life would be like if he would just notice you? I was praying hard, etching his name on a hundred pages in my journal, and I believed that God could do what I was asking. There was no question. I believed it without wavering.
I remember fleecing the Lord like I did when reading about Gideon. Gideon needed reassurance from the Lord that not only would Gideon and his army be successful but that the Lord was going to go with them. I wanted God to be with me and I wanted His approval so bad. So, one night during quiet time, I mustered the strength to go before the Lord and fleece Him. I told God that I’d know it was his will for this guy and I to be together if he called me, asked me to coffee, and wanted to meet within a week. I know that sounds so lame. But if this guy did call, let’s just say it would be completely out of the ordinary! It never happened before so it could only be God to prompt him to do such a thing. On the most random Sunday, he called! I was at Cedar Point and my phone was in a locker while I rode the new featured coaster that year, Steel Vengeance. As soon as we were off the coaster we retrieved our phones and I remember just staring at my phone screen, shaking with disbelief. I blinked a couple times to make sure I was reading correctly. I passed the phone around our group just to make sure everyone could confirm what I saw. I had received a missed call from my dream guy. There were a million things running through my mind and all I could think about was what I prayed to the Lord a few months prior. I listened to his voicemail and he asked me to coffee and wanted to meet up that upcoming week. I was overjoyed and nervous all at the same time. How could this not be God. It was verbatim what I asked for. In my mind this was it. He’s going to finally tell me how he feels.
A couple days later, we were set to meet up for coffee. I was so excited and so nervous, I already planned to order tea because I didn’t know if the butterflies in my stomach would ever settle if I drank coffee. I arrived early so that I could see him walking in. I thought that would be better than doing the fashionably late skit. I remember sitting at a table off to the side of the cafe with my back facing the door. I was shaking, I just couldn’t believe this was happening. He walked in and all I hoped was that I would just be myself. He grabbed coffee, I grabbed tea and 5 minutes into the conversation I realized this was not at all what I thought this was going to be. He wanted to see how the young adult group I just started was going. He prepared notes to help me organize and cast vision. That was so sweet and so not what I wanted. As silly and selfish as that sounds.
Of course I cried all the way home, feeling embarrassed and asking God what I missed. Realizing the only way he would be in my life was as a ministry mentor, for lack of a better term, was a hard pill to swallow. I wanted more but God closed the door. I was heartbroken and didn’t understand why God would answer such a specific fleece. Why would He do this to me? I was devastated that things didn’t go the way I’d hoped. I ran to my journal and poured my heart out. I wish I could say that the Lord gave me a mic-dropping revelation but He didn’t. At least he didn’t for another year. He sat in disappointment with me. On January 1, 2023 I wrote,
“God, I just realized that I am sitting in the coffee shop that he and I met at for the first time. I was so excited and I was ready for what the meeting would bring. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. And I was sad. Once again, I was saddened that the person I obsessed over years wasn’t into me as much as I was with him. And I couldn’t understand that for the life of me. But after talking with a lady from church, she helped me realize something. I was looking for attention in all the wrong places. I was looking for a companion in the wrong person. I wasn’t a fool, I was human. And honestly, I was hurting. God, He gave me what I thought I needed, he filled a void that only You could have. That’s why I was restless and never satisfied. I didn’t need a boy, God I needed you. This cafe reminds me of that time. I am so glad that I am no longer in the same place and I rejoice tonight because of that.“
I wrote this a couple years later after the coffee “date.” It was also just days after I met my now husband. Wow. How things change. I thank the Lord that He sits high and looks low. I love that nothing is a surprise to Him. I thought He was my future, so I started planning my life around that possible reality. So, when it didn’t happen my plans changed, again. But sis, the thing I love most is that isn’t the same for God. His plans don’t ever change. When He speaks a word, it HAS to come to pass. Even if we are hearing and seeing things the wrong way. He always knew that there was someone more suitable for me. We work ourselves up and plan around things that God hasn’t confirmed, when we should be eager to seek His will without holding onto what we would want for ourselves. I wanted what my desire met so bad that I could only see things my way and not through God’s eyes. I didn’t understand this at all at the time. I was living on a cloud somewhere in La La Land. Although I was frustrated and so confused, my resolve was, “He sits high, and looks low.” He knew what was best.
“I think sometimes we need to ask ourselves do we love God enough to hold our plans and desires with an open fist, ready to release if He says no.”
I was explaining my frustration with my sister after this happened and at the tender age of 13 she said something so wise. I said, “I would give anything to be with him. I would follow him wherever he goes, why can’t he just notice me?” She looked at me and said, “That’s why he isn’t for you.” Such a simple revelation but it stopped me in my wallowing because it was so true. I don’t think we have to be with someone under those terms. Being with him meant loosing myself. That’s not what God wanted. And honestly, after she said that the blinders came off and I began to see burning red flags I had missed.
God is so incredibly sovereign. Even if all the ducks are lined up perfectly in a row and it still doesn’t work out, there’s a reason. We have to stop fighting the hand of God. No matter how beautiful and desirable the package may look. I think sometimes we need to ask ourselves do we love God enough to hold our plans and desires with an open fist, ready to release if He says no?
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21
Our plans are finite. But God’s plan stands sure and final. No matter how many poor choices we make or how we hope something will turn out. The truth is, we can never change what He has already set up. Lean into His unchanging hand. Surrender all your plans and let God light the path under your feet.
